Qué padre se siente cuando logras escapar de una relación tóxica, ¿verdad? Te sientes empoderada, fuerte, libre, emancipada, dueña de ti. Tan es así, que prácticamente todos los discursos para combatir las violencias de pareja se construyen en esa línea: “¿Cómo escapar de tu relación tóxica?” “Señales de que es controlador” “Aquí te apoyamos” “El amor propio te hará libre”, etc.
Tal parece que esa fuera LA solución: escapar, huir, moverse, alejarse. A mí me funcionó, sí, hasta que volví a caer con otra persona, en otro lugar, con otras violencias. Y, como diría mi abuela, para bailar se necesitan dos.
¿Dónde quedan los hombres en todo esto? ¿Cómo pueden ellos “escapar” de su propia violencia? Ésta es una lección (llena de valentía, he de decir) que mi novio me enseñó.
Para no hacer el cuento largo, él mostró actitudes posesivas y controladoras desde que nos hicimos novios (antes no… como es costumbre). Empezó con comentarios estilo “me gustaría que me contestaras los mensajes”, después escaló a los del tipo “¿a quién estabas viendo?”. Atravesamos el nunca faltante episodio de revisión del celular (sin mi consentimiento, obviamente), pasamos por la ley del hielo y, para completar el combo, agregamos gritos y jaloneos.
El meollo era que le encantaba hacer conflicto, reclamar y demandar, exigirme que lo amara como él quería, como él “se merecía”. No saben lo cansado que fue, gastamos mucha energía intentando entendernos. Con mucha disposición por parte de los dos, logramos resolver bastantes cosas, y de a poco fuimos construyendo una relación más tranquila. Esa evolución me hizo quedarme, porque me di cuenta de que yo misma estaba cambiando muchas cosas que en el pasado habían lastimado a otros y a mí misma.
Ahí la llevábamos, pero por alguna razón, el monstruo insistía en regresar, cada vez con más frecuencia. Cuando menos lo necesitábamos, siempre aparecía para sabotearnos, para destruir todo lo que habíamos hilvanado con paciencia y amor. Entonces los dos volvíamos a recoger nuestros pedazos para volver a pegarlos. Pero cada vez era más difícil, porque se rompían en fragmentos más y más finos. Y yo estaba cada vez más cansada y desilusionada.
El acabose llegó cuando, en una fiesta de una amiga suya, yo estaba muy entrada platicando con uno de sus amigos y de repente me soltó un “no me gusta que esté coqueteando con él”. Yo no lo podía creer, mi tolerancia se estaba acabando, no estaba dispuesta a seguir aguantando sus reclamos y enredos. Tuvimos un pleito horrible en la casa, y entonces pasó: me pegó, me jaló del cabello y me apretó el cuello. Ah, y no les he contado que estábamos comprometidos.
“¿Qué estoy haciendo aquí?” “¿Por qué no me fui desde la primera señal de alarma?” “¿Qué mensaje me estaré dando a mí misma si me quedo?”. Me dolía mucho que todo nuestro trabajo se ensuciara con manchas cada vez más oscuras; me di cuenta de que no había otra salida: tenía que irme de ahí. Pero caí en cuenta de que era solo una solución parcial, llevaba toda mi vida relacionándome con violencia, en distintas formas y medidas, pero violencia al final.
Obviamente él me pedía que no me fuera, yo ya no le veía sentido, pero esta vez actué diferente. Decidí tomar este episodio como una oportunidad para erradicar la violencia de mi vida definitivamente. Así que me quedé, bajo condiciones muy especiales, claro. La primera fue que la boda quedaría suspendida hasta nuevo aviso, y la segunda, que DEBÍAMOS buscar ayuda profesional.
Cuando se lo planteé, él me sorprendió contándome que se acababa de anotar en un grupo que atiende a hombres con problemas de violencia hacia las mujeres. Abrió su corazón, se declaró ante mí como un hombre violento que necesita ayuda, mucha ayuda. No temió a mostrarse vulnerable, al contrario, estaba muy dispuesto a erradicar todo lo que había destruido cosas en su vida, dentro y fuera de nuestra relación.
Hoy ya llevamos un par de meses implementando todo lo que ha aprendido, además de la terapia individual de cada uno. Estamos conscientes de que es una tarea de todos los días, y amamos estarlo haciendo, porque al final somos una familia. Y, si logramos sanear la podredumbre desde adentro, lo que demos al resto del mundo será igualmente constructivo y fértil.
Algo curioso de este proceso es que cuando buscó ayuda, se dio cuenta de que prácticamente todo el apoyo está dirigido a las mujeres. Ilógico, ¿verdad? De por sí es difícil buscar ayuda, entonces la falta de visibilización del rol masculino lo torna aún más difícil. Creo que falta humanizar el papel de ellos en esta problemática que, desafortunadamente, es tan común como la bendita gripa.
Le he hecho saber a mi novio que me parece que actuó con mucha valentía y amor propio. Me alegra no haber huido y ya, como lo he hecho otras veces, pero he de decir que lo hice porque él lo valía; confié en que es un hombre sensible e inteligente. Claro, no siempre se puede proceder así, no siempre la otra persona está tan dispuesta o consciente, por eso creo que debemos hacer caso a nuestro instinto siempre, ya sea para irnos o para quedarnos.
Ah, y sí nos vamos a casar. ☺
Nota editorial:
En Oleaje queremos hacer una gran red de mujeres que se cuiden y apoyen. Si has pasado por una situación similar y no sabes a dónde acudir, te dejamos el número de Atención Psicológica de la UNAM y el contacto de Sorece atención terapéutica feminista (5161 8600) por si requieres de un apoyo especializado.
Si en algún momento quieres compartir tu testimonio, lo recibimos con todo respeto y sororidad.
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