De como los prejuicios transfóbicos quebraron una relación hermosa

La primera vez que le vi durante la universidad, me sentí en la necesidad de encontrar cómo clasificarle: si como un hombre con rasgos femeninos o una mujer alta, con voz gruesa y de manos grandes.

Compartíamos algunas clases y eso permitía que mi interés en su persona creciera: era de los mejores promedios en la carrera, tenía un sentido de justicia férreo, su participación activa en luchas sociales y su amor por lo animales no podían provocarme otra cosa que admiración y cariño.

Conforme nos fuimos acercando y conociendo, nuestros sentimientos se intensificaron y comenzamos una relación de noviazgo. Nuestro compromiso, seguridad y confianza en la relación me permitieron preguntarle cosas que no me habría atrevido a formular con otras personas, como si debía hablarle en femenino o masculino. Sin embargo algunas de sus respuestas no cabían en mi clasificación binaria y me confundían aún más, como que prefería que inventara palabras nuevas antes de asignarle un género.

Nunca usaba baños públicos que no fueran unisex, ni siquiera cuando adquiría infecciones de vías uinarias o gastrointestinales. Tenía miedo de que le agredieran por considerarle mujer en un baño de hombres o un hombre en un baño de mujeres. Jamás se quitaba la sudadera larga que cubría sus senos, no importaba si estábamos a más de 30°C, el riesgo de sentir el juicio externo hacia su cuerpo era tan fuerte que prefería desfallecer por el calor antes que exponerse. 

En mi juventud yo no sabía nada sobre las personas no binarias o trans. No era un tema que se hubiera hablado antes en mi familia, no por recato sino por desconocimiento. Ninguna de mis amistades había sacado el tema, ni había escuchado al respecto en alguna revista, programa o película. Así que simplemente asumí que no debía hablarle utilizando algún género y que su lucha interna contra su cuerpo era algo personal, que aunque podía acompañarle y apoyarle, no tenía yo la solución.

Siempre me he considerado heterosexual y el haberme enamorado de una persona trans no me hacía sentirme bisexual u homosexual, sin embargo muchas personas a mi alrededor no pensaban lo mismo y no tenían la menor intención de callar sus opiniones no pedidas: “eres una lesbiana”, “te hará adicta al orgasmo”, “ahora haces esto y después te van a gustar los caballos y otras aberraciones”. Todo eso me hizo sentir confundida, errónea, tonta, como si todo lo que habíamos construido mi entonces pareja y yo fuera solamente una de esas aventuras que se tienen en la universidad por la locura de probar algo nuevo, un lapsus.

En mi torpeza y dificultad para manejar mis emociones y mantener a raya las opiniones y presión externa, decidí tener sexo con un hombre cisgénero para “aclarar” mi mente. El acto fue desagradable y sin que él lo notara (¿se puede no notar algo así?) lloré al caer en cuenta de la estupidez que estaba haciendo, sabiendo que destruiría por completo la relación más bella, segura y fuerte que había tenido. 

Después de unos días, mi ex pareja tuvo dudas similiares a las mías: quería experimentar lo que era tener sexo con un hombre para “aclarar” su mente. De alguna manera ambes llegamos a la misma absurda conclusión: el tener sexo ayuda a visualizar respuestas sobre nuestra propia identidad de género y nuestras preferencias sexuales. Fue tanta la presión externa por “tomar un bando” que cometimos actos violentos contra nosotres mismes, nos herimos psicológica, física, emocional y mentalmente en un afán desenfrenado por entendernos. No vimos que la sexualidad y la identidad son cosas absolutamente personales que se descubren con paciencia, amor propio, autocuidado e información.

La relación terminó y por un par de meses mantuvimos comunicación, pero el vernos en realidad sólo nos recordaba nuestra traición, confusión e incapacidad. Han pasado 10 o 9 años desde esa relación, ya no siento el amor de pareja que sentía entonces, pero sí un profundo respeto por su persona, ideales y principios que, ahora entiendo, no tienen nada que ver con su identidad de género. 

Actualmente siento seguridad en mí misma y mis preferencias. No veo la necesidad de autoclasificarme, lesbiana, bisexual, pansexual, etc. Entiendo que el físico de una persona no me limita en el amor y/o deseo que puedo experimentar por una persona y veo en ello una fortaleza para crear vínculos más allá de lo superfluo. El juicio externo es constante y siempre permanecerá de una forma u otra, pero mi autovalidación y las redes de apoyo que he creado me permiten poner mi bienestar y satisfacción por encima de cualquier crítica destructiva.

Mi noviazgo con esa persona me dejó enseñanzas inmensas, por ejemplo: no sé si podría haber entendido lo tóxica, enfermiza y violenta que es nuestra sociedad al obligarnos a entrar en una clasificación, si no hubiera vivido de cerca esa discriminación con mi ex pareja. Yo pude escapar de ello en el momento que terminamos, pero probablemente él vivirá con esa violencia toda su vida, aún después de haber transicionado. 

Oleaje

Colectiva Oleaje es un grupo por y para mujeres cuyo principal objetivo es generar espacios para discutir y compartir ideas y experiencias con el fin de generar estrategias para combatir las violencias de género que vivimos a diario.

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