Hace tiempo dejé de pensar en cuál es la media de edad en la que las mujeres comienzan su vida sexual, lo único que sé es que definitivamente yo no pertenezco a esa media.
Llegar a los veinticinco años sin haber tenido relaciones sexuales me ha permitido reflexionar en torno a la “virginidad” (así, con comillas, porque esa palabra no me pertenece) de diversas maneras.
Antes de empezar, quizá valga la pena explicar que desde muy temprana edad, gracias a diversos discursos ajenos, me asumí como una mujer que no era atractiva, principalmente por ser gorda, pero también por no tener una cantidad pequeña de vello corporal, entre diversos “defectos” que a veces ni siquiera recuerdo; esto es importante porque esta concepción de mi misma juega un papel fundamental en mi proceso de reflexión y trabajo emocional respecto a la “virginidad”.
Respecto al sexo, recuerdo que comenzó a dejar de ser un tabú para mi alrededor de los catorce años, en gran parte gracias a que una de mis hermanas mayores comenzó a hablarme del tema como algo normal, porque de hecho lo es, de modo que, aunque no recuerdo exactamente las palabras que usaba, yo entendí el sexo como entendí otras cosas del mundo, para mí no era nada extraordinario.
Por supuesto que con el paso del tiempo mi curiosidad creció, sobre todo cuando mi interés por los hombres comenzó a ser atravesado por una genuina atracción sexual. Fue entonces que mi concepción de la “virginidad” comenzó a verse afectada por el hecho de no considerarme atractiva, y es que sonaba muy lógico para mí que una jovencita como yo, que para otros era, fea, gorda o incluso similar a un gorila, nunca dejaría de ser “virgen”; aunque a los quince años no era algo que me afectara demasiado, sobre todo porque sabía que no estaba lista para tener relaciones sexuales y el interés por dar ese paso no era muy grande.
En los años siguientes, mis amigas fueron dando el paso, algunas con mayor responsabilidad de otras, y algo muy similar a la preocupación comenzó a atacarme: ¿cuándo daría yo ese paso si no había un solo muchacho que se hubiera interesado en mi alguna vez?
No obtuve respuesta, aunque sí tuve un novio. A los diecisiete años me embarqué en una relación de micro violencias motivada por el hecho de que no encontraría algo mejor y por fortuna el sexo nunca fue siquiera una opción. Luego de eso no hubo nada más, me concentré en otras cosas y la “virginidad” dejó de ser importante por un tiempo.
No obstante, cuando llegué a los veinte años la situación se volvió verdaderamente preocupante, tenía la sensación de estarme quedando atrás sin poder evitarlo y entonces comencé a pensar que el problema, claramente, era yo.
¿Qué otra explicación había? Si seguía siendo virgen obviamente era porque no le inspiraba deseo a nadie, ¿no? puede que incluso fuese repulsivo pensar en mí y en sexo, nunca nadie iba a querer “hacerme el favor”.
Tuve esa espantosa idea clavada en mi mente por meses, reforzada por frases que se oyen cotidianamente respecto a las mujeres, del tipo: “le dicen ‘la culpa’, porque nadie se la quiere echar”, “está amargada porque nadie le hace el favor” o “hay que solucionar ese problema” (refiriéndose a la virginidad).
Afortunadamente, poco después tomé una clase sobre feminismo (en un espacio universitario, cabe destacar) y con una serie de lecturas, entre ellas Teoría King Kong de Virginie Despentes, entendí que por el simple hecho de ser mujer, para muchas personas yo era algo así como una cosa, una que había venido al mundo a satisfacer a los hombres y que, lógicamente, había fracasado como tal si no cumplía su misión.
Podrán adivinar lo que pasó después… sí, efectivamente, mandé todo eso a la mierda porque, por supuesto, yo no soy una cosa y aunque el mundo me había enseñado lo contrario, no es mi obligación inspirar el deseo de nadie.
Y por si ese descubrimiento no fue suficiente, me di cuenta de que todos esos años me había preocupado por no ser atractiva sexualmente para los hombres y por no haber tenido relaciones sexuales, pero jamás me había puesto a pensar en el deseo sexual que yo pudiera sentir hacia otros ni en si estaba lista para dar ese paso que, según yo, todos habían dado años atrás.
El feminismo me hizo cuestionarme miles de cosas más, pero a la par, me ayudó a pensar más a fondo la idea de la “virginidad”. Me molestaba saber que, prototípicamente, la virginidad era un tesoro que debía conservarse, pero es que el hacerlo no te exime del escrutinio, porque entonces algo debe haber mal contigo.
A pesar de todo, quizá mi momento de mayor shock, fue cuando me di cuenta de que no se me había enseñado otra palabra más que “virgen”, para referirse a la mujer que no ha tenido relaciones sexuales y fue sumamente impactante saber que la única forma de nombrar esa condición era con una palabra tan ligada a la religión; después algunos doctores se refirieron a mi como “núbil”, pero al buscar esa palabra en el diccionario me topé con que era un adjetivo que designaba a las personas en edad de contraer matrimonio. Honestamente no sé si hay otras palabras para referirse a lo mismo, pero me parece preocupante que incluso si las hay, haya personas que no las conocemos.
Finalmente, el último paso que di para reconciliarme con mi manera de habitar mi cuerpo en el ámbito de lo sexual, fue darme cuenta de que, si bien no me considero una mujer que haya inspirado el deseo de muchas personas, sí me considero una mujer con voluntad, de modo que si hubiese estado lista o demasiado interesada en tener relaciones sexuales antes, sin duda habría buscado la manera de hacerlo, y fue así como entendí que mi virginidad o nubilidad o como queramos llamarla, es también una decisión.
El patriarcado ve la virginidad como un tesoro, porque la concibe como algo que el hombre puede tomar a placer, por eso es malo que una mujer decida tanto “perderla” como “conservarla”, pues no nos toca a nosotras decidir sobre ella. Pero miente, porque sí nos toca, porque es nuestro cuerpo y con él hacemos lo que nos viene en gana, lo conocemos, cuidamos y satisfacemos de la forma que mejor nos parezca, solas o acompañadas, pero por decisión propia.
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